A Few Thoughts on the English Crazy

Living in the UK has made me much more aware of my own Germanness. Usually, it is in everyday situations that I notice it. I observe differences and similarities and pick what I like best from both worlds. It starts with the accent (I can say ‘squirrel’ just fine!) and includes drinking obscene amounts of tea. I cook a mean English breakfast, put vinegar on my chips and no longer stare at people in amazement when they only wear jeans and a t-shirt in January because the sun is shining. You got to think to yourself “What the hell!”, kick back, relax and find British strangeness endearing. So here are a few things that have made me go: “U English so crazy!”

The Toast Conspiracy
In England bread turns into toast as soon as you toast it. Before the toasting process it is just bread. The German equivalent is “Toastbrot” (literally “toast bread”). It’s white or brown, soft, pre-cut and solely made for the purpose of being toasted. It’s toast whether it has been toasted or not. We are a nation of bread eaters. For us it is not something you use as an excuse to eat Nutella. It’s a foodstuff in its own right and “Toastbrot” is just one of thousands of bread types... and not even a very good one. Any German who has left their former homeland will have had cravings for warm potato bread, an authentic pretzel or just “ein Normales” and not to forget some sweet Teilchen, hmm...

Black and White Opinions on Marmite
While your bread choice in England is limited, you have a whole range of spreads to choose from. You can keep it simple with salted butter. A rookie mistake made by unknowing foreigners from countries where salted butter isn’t very common (Hello, Germany!) is to have salted butter with sweet jam. My 11 year old self made that mistakes only once. Instead why not try some bitter orange marmalade? Again, poor 11 year old me was surprised by this novel flavour. It was cereal for the rest of the holiday for me! If you want to try something really English then thinly spread out some marmite on your hot toasted toast. Marmite is yeast extract and the only rule attached to it is that you have to have an opinion on it. It doesn’t matter whether you love or hate it as long as you can utter either of those two opinions with conviction. Being neither here nor there on the issue of Marmite is incredibly un-English. However, it seems a spread that only an English person can like. All that mimicking and I still can’t pretend Marmite is edible.

Everything Will Be Alright with Tea
Tea is England’s answer to any minor and major catastrophe... and at all other times when nothing else is happening. You had a bad day at work? Have a cuppa. The zombie apocalypse is descending upon us? Put the kettle on while we plan our next move. Have half an hour to spare and don’t know what to do? May we suggest tea? It seems one of those incredibly stereotypical things to say about England but I was made to have seven mugs of tea at work today and put the kettle on as soon as I got home. Sometimes I don’t even want any but make a cup anyway. My co-workers will have a cup and forget to drink it but as long as there is one within reach they feel like they can survive the day. You should avoid our office at times when we're out of milk. I even carry emergency tea bags in my bag with me at all times. Surely this can’t be right and I fully blame the English for turning me into such a crazy.

F*ck the Red Man
When you are a pedestrian in England be sure to ignore whether the traffic lights are green or red. You walk whenever you deem it safe to cross. After all you might save a whole ten seconds. Nobody cares about traffic lights. I have seen English police officers cross the road while the lights were red. Absolutely unthinkable in Germany! We Germans are taught to wait until the traffic lights tell you that you may now cross. At times I can find that rather relaxing especially in an unfamiliar city. I don’t have to observe the traffic and weigh up if my attempt to cross the road to save precious seconds will cost me my life. I just stand there and wait for the traffic light to tell me when it is safest to cross. In England you will stand there like a lemon while every other pedestrian rushes past you clearly with business that cannot be delayed. It makes you feel like an idiot and it won’t be long until you pick up that naughty habit yourself.

Cream
Be suspicious when an English person asks you if you want cream with your dessert. “Kuchen mit Sahne” is not quite the same here. The English don’t always bother with whisking the cream or adding sugar to it. You just pour the liquid cream over your cake. After an initial frown I tried it and it’s absolutely fantastic with hot apple pie.

I will be adding to this list as time passes but you might have guessed from my food-related observations that I’m rather famished.

So for now:
Bye bye und Tschö mit ‘ö’!